Bizarre & Strange Facebook & Twitter Status Updates

Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?

Cleavage is too powerful to be left in the hands of amateurs.

Stupidity should be painful.

“And that’s what its all about”. ~~The Hokey Pokey

4 out of 5 of the voices in my head are telling me “Go for it”.

“Crack” Never ever do a drug named after a part of your ass!

A day without sunshine is like, well – it’s like night!

As I recall no one ever told me “how to get to Sesame Street”.

If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind I wonder what a clean desk means?!

“When I find myself in times of trouble margaritias come to me, speaking words of wisdom………..”

Diplomacy: saying “nice doggy” while looking for a big rock!

There are three kinds of people who claim to be secure in their masculinity: fools, liars and lesbians.

Oooooooooooo, it looks pissed off!

Why is it that all the things in life that are desireable are either expensive, fattening, illegal or already married?

A vasectomy means never having to say you’re sorry.

USEFUL DEFINITIONS: potholes (noun) – memory lapses due to the excessive use of marijuana

A dog: these people adopted me, gave me a good life, feed me, nurture me, pet me….. they must be gods. A cat: these people adopted me, gave me a good life, feed me, nurture me, pet me….. I must be a god.

If a man is talking, and there is no woman there to hear him, is he still wrong?

Morality is doing what is right no matter what you are told. Religion is doing what you are told no matter what is right.

Cigarettes are the number 1 cause of statistics.

I always take life with a grain of salt, …plus a slice of lemon, …and a shot of tequila.

Do paranoid schizophrenic agnostic dyslexic insomniacs lie awake at night wondering if they might be the dog that’s out to get them?

I’m so far behind I thought for a moment I was in first place.

But officer, I was way to drunk to consider walking home!

Drinking may not solve all your problems, however passing out from drinking sure forces a timeout!

“Asshole” – not just a word also serves as a life choice!

I may be left-handed, but I am always right!

Sarcasm is just one more thing I offer free of charge!

I am not 40 something; I am 39.95 plus tax.

Para todo mal, malbec, para toda bien, tambien.

Sex is like air. It’s not important unless you aren’t getting any.

Sith happens!

?1 fish 2 fish red fish blue fish (*reminder to self: find out what Dr. Seuss was taking and get some for this weekend)

Roses are red, Violets are blue, I’m schizophrenic and so am I.

A clean conscience is symptomatic of a bad memory.

Error: Keyboard not detected. Press F1 to continue.

I’m as confused as a baby in a topless bar.

Chocolate: the other major food group.

Atheists are non-prophet.

Consciousness: that extremely annoying period inbetween drunks and naps.

Hands up motherstickers! This is a f*ckup!!!!

I am not a stalker. I am just very curious.

Bipartisanship: I’ll hug your elephant if you kiss my ass

4 out of 5 of the voices in my head are telling me “Go for it”.

I would procrastinate if I could only find more time.

Is it a coincidence that there are 24 beers to a case and 24 hours to a day?

Televangelists: the professional wrestlers of religion.

Two wrongs do not make a right – however 3 lefts do.

Friends don’t let friends go home with ugly women.

U.S. Congress: 100 senators, 435 Representatives, No Clue.

“Endless love”: Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles playing tennis.

Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.

Dyslexics have more nuf.

If blondes do have more fun do they realize it?!?!

A loose tongue gets in tight places.

I’m hung like Einstein and smart as a horse.

4 out of every 3 people have a hard time with math.

Never underestimate the power of stupidity!

My president invaded Iraq and all I got was a trillion dollar deficit!

ATTENTION: Illiterates write now for free help!

When the going gets tough, the tough get the hell out of town!

The Proud United States Army: “We kill more people by 9.00 a.m. than some countries kill all year”.

Drunk blond = implied consent

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to pack heavy American artillery!

Insanity is just another word for nothin’ left to lose!

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil for I have a cool ass Mac 10.

When the going gets tough, the tough get more Malbec!

“I was framed”

When problems begin- HIM: “It is not what you think it looks like.” HER: [silence] FRONT DOOR: “BANGGGGG” [as it slams shut behind her]

You can’t teach an old dog new tricks…….. but hopefully from time to time you can make her squeal like a pig!!!

If you love someone, set them free. If she doesn’t come back, sleep with her best friend…. that will show her!!!

If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, break out the condoms and wine!!!

If life gives you lemons make orange juice

Crystalline teardrop prisms fall, A kaleidoscope of color, meaning…