A Letter To Texas From The Remaining 49 States
WE THE CITIZENS of The Remaining 49 United States of America hereby grant Texas its wish to withdraw from our country, that it may create its own sovereign nation. A nation completely free of the burden of tolerance regarding any ideas, customs, laws, taxes, or ethnicity that it does not “cotton to”.
We congratulate our new neighbors to the South on the imminent creation of its perfect Utopia, in which cumbersome gun laws need not exist, the mentally handicapped can be executed with reckless abandon, and school curriculums can be properly adjusted to instruct children that the Earth is a mere 3000 years old.
We will, of course, miss the economic benefits, quality barbecue and hot cheerleaders that you have nobly provided over these past 200-plus years. But though we won’t argue that Texas has been at the forefront of the nation in production of oil, beef, cotton, and other valuable commodities, those benefits have always been tragically counterbalanced by your state’s equally impressive production of prideful ignorance and unrepentant assholes.
(Side note: We know it’s a long shot, but is there any chance that we could convince you to take Alabama with you? With both of you gone it would really help boost our national literacy rate. You could call yourself “Alabexas”. No? We didn’t think so. It was worth a try.)
One last request: as an act of goodwill between nations, before you erect your long-awaited immigrant-proof wall can you do us a solid and give the Austin hipster-transplants a couple of weeks to pack up their instruments and get their vans back up here? Thanks.
So I guess this is it Texas. I suspect we won’t hear from you again until you remember that human beings need water to live. But we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.
Thanks for the memories and for Stevie Ray Vaughan. Our country just got a little bit smaller but a great deal more respectable. And for that we thank you.
-THE REMAINING 49 STATES OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA
Guest Contributor: Mike Polk