Breaking: GOP Plot To Lobotomize American Women
In a top secret location, GOP leaders gathered to discuss their plans for capturing every woman in the United States, including conservative women and rabid anti-feminists, to take away their ability to think for themselves and fight against misogyny.
A reputable but unidentified ex-Republican turned bleeding-heart-liberal attended the meeting and gave me the horrifying details of their master plan.
My source divulged that in a cave somewhere in the Arizona desert, House Speaker Boehner conducted the meeting and at his side were Mitch McConnell and Eric Cantor. It was reported that Allen West desperately wanted to attend but was voted out by a devastating majority of members. Boehner, McConnell and Cantor stood before the group, shirtless with charcoal handprints on their chests and red ties around their heads. They held torches as they discussed their diabolical plan.
With tears streaming down his face, Speaker Boehner told the group that women have become too much of a pain in America’s ass. “They whine about equality and believe they are as good as and equal to men.” In a moment of rage, Boehner pounded the desk in front of him and roared, “ WE MUST PUT A STOP TO THIS MADNESS!!!” He blew his nose, wiped his eyes and continued:
“These women think they are entitled to rights and freedoms and we must take drastic action to ensure a male dominated patriarchy. As much as I hate to admit this, women are pretty smart and they outnumber us. Obviously our attempts to take away their right to choose, affordable and accessible contraception and equal pay have not silenced their endless bitching, and we have figured out a way to shut them up for good.”
Cantor chimed in, “Women have forgotten their place. They’ve had a steady diet of television shows like The Mary Tyler Moore Show, Roseanne and Sex and The City and now, this movement of feminism is like a freight train barreling down the tracks and picking up speed every single day. Gentleman, it has to stop now, or these slutty whores are going to elect some dried up old hag like Hillary Clinton as President and if that happens, we might as well bend over and kiss our superior asses goodbye. Clinton isn’t messing around. She’d serve us our dicks on a plate and each one of you knows that.”
McConnell was quiet for most of the proceedings but at one point he did say, “I like daisies, they’re pretty.”
Boehner went on to explain that Paul Ryan will be organizing with local and state representatives and giving detailed instructions in undisclosed locations as to how to capture, sedate and lobotomize American women. The men considered and discussed leaving conservative women out of the equation but they decided against it for fear that because women are emotional and are given to bouts of empathy, they might revolt in the name of sisterhood. With a sudden insight into the looming catastrophe, Cantor jumped up and down, shaking his torch wildly and angrily shouted, “And God help us if they’re on the rag! They’ll get hysterical and you know what that means! Once hysterical, they become too difficult to control!” They brought up Lorena Bobbit, axe murderess Lizzie Borden and serial killer Aileen Wuornos as proof that when women are angry, they can really do some damage and it was unanimously decided that all women are targets.
A chorus of angry cheers erupted. They beat on their chests and then they broke off into smaller groups where they enjoyed cold beer and gnawed on chunks of raw meat.
My source confirms the plot to lobotomize women will start immediately and no woman is safe. “Make no mistake Anti, the shit has hit the fan and women need to either fight back or move to Canada.”
Stay tuned for more information.
CAUTION: Humor located above
Anti Coulter is an activist for women’s rights. Like her on Facebook, Twitter or friend her on FB HERE. Check out her campaign to raise money for her next book on Women’s Rights and The Importance Of Voting.