125 of the Best Quotes by Stephen Colbert

Stephen Colbert 4 More Years Of Hopey Changey

1.   “A father has to be a provider, a teacher, a role model, but most importantly, a distant authority figure who can never be pleased. Otherwise, how will children ever understand the concept of God?”
2.  “A mother needs to be in the home even when the kids aren’t. A messy house sends a coded message to children: “I’m not loveable. Otherwise Mother would dust.”
3.  “A new study shows that having a severe phobia can hasten aging. But what if my greatest fear IS aging?!?”
4.  “After obsessively Googling symptoms for four hours, I discovered ‘obsessively Googling symptoms’ is a symptom of hypochondria.”

5.  “Agnostics are just atheists without balls.” ― Stephen Colbert, I am America
6.  “All Dogs Go To Heaven? Sorry, kids. It’s only the dogs who’ve accepted Christ.” ― Stephen Colbert, I am America
7.  “America used to live by the motto “Father Knows Best.” Now we’re lucky if “Father Knows He Has Children.” We’ve become a nation of sperm donors and baby daddies.” ― Stephen Colbert, I am America
8.  “Any religion whose messiah’s name isn’t recognized by Microsoft Word can’t be that much of a threat.” ― Stephen Colbert, I am America
9.  “Arby’s: If I was about to be killed, I would eat it.”
10.  “Atheism, a religion dedicated to its own sense of smug superiority.”
11.  “Attack life, it’s going to kill you anyway.”
12.  “Baby carrots are making me gay.” ― Stephen Colbert, I am America
13.  “Baptists: I’m a pious guy, but even I have my limits. I draw the line right around spending 8 hours in church every Sunday. Church should be a solemn 45 minutes to sit quietly and feel guilty, with donuts at the end to make you feel better. I don’t go in for a full day of singing and dancing and rejoicing, no matter how nice the hats are. I prefer my Gospel monotonously droned to me from a pulpit, thank you very much.”
14.  “brb, ttyl ok? wow, i saved a ‘ton’ of time with those acronyms.”
15.  “Can’t wait for tomorrow when I get to exercise my patriotic duty as an American: Complaining about how long it’s taking to VOTE.”
16.  “Christianity is the best way to cure gayness—just get on your knees, take a swig of wine, and accept the body of a man into your mouth.”
17.  “Clearly, America has no shortage of metaphorical opportunities for the poor.” ― Stephen Colbert, I am America
18.  “Contraception leads to more babies being born out of wedlock, like fire extinguishers lead to more fires.”
19.  “Cynicism masquerades as wisdom, but it is the farthest thing from it. Because cynics don’t learn anything. Because cynicism is a self-imposed blindness, a rejection of the world because we are afraid it will hurt us or disappoint us.”
20.  “Divorce is marital welfare. It’s just couples asking society to bail them out because they didn’t do enough research before they got married.”
21.  “Do you know what I like about comedy? You can’t laugh and be afraid at the same time—of anything. If you’re laughing, I defy you to be afraid.”
22.  “Don’t be afraid to be a fool. Remember, you cannot be both young and wise. Young people who pretend to be wise to the ways of the world are mostly just cynics. Cynicism masquerades as wisdom, but it is the farthest thing from it. Because cynics don’t learn anything. Because cynicism is a self-imposed blindness, a rejection of the world because we are afraid it will hurt us or disappoint us. Cynics always say no. But saying yes begins things. Saying yes is how things grow. Saying yes leads to knowledge. “Yes” is for young people. So for as long as you have the strength to, say yes.”
23.  “Don’t get me wrong. Being a mom is no picnic. Raising the kids is the mother’s responsibility. It’s a thankless, solitary job, like sheriff or Pope.”
24.  “Dreams can change, if we all stuck with our first dreams there would be a lot of cowboys and princesses running around.”
25.  “Equations are the devil’s sentences.”


26.  “Folks, I don’t trust children. They’re here to replace us.”
27.  “Forgot to live-tweet the election last night, so I’m post-tweeting today. I’ll start as soon as my fingers unclench from their rage fists.”
28.  “God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he’s never on welfare in a mysterious way.”
29.  “Here’s an easy way to figure out if you’re in a cult:If you’re wondering whether you’re in a cult, the answer is yes.” ― Stephen Colbert, I am America
30.  “Here’s how it works: the president makes decisions. He’s the decider. The press secretary announces those decisions, and you people of the press type those decisions down. Make, announce, type. Just put ’em through a spell check and go home. The greatest thing about this man is he’s steady. You know where he stands. He believes the same thing Wednesday that he believed on Monday, no matter what happened Tuesday. Events can change; this man’s beliefs never will.”
31.  “I am no fan of books. And chances are, if you’re reading this, you and I share a healthy skepticism about the printed word. Well, I want you to know that this is the first book I’ve ever written, and I hope it’s the first book you’ve ever read. Don’t make a habit of it.”
32.  “I believe that the government that governs best is a government that governs least, and by these standards we have set up a fabulous government in Iraq.”
33.  “I cannot stand people who disagree with me on the issue of Roe v. Wade… which I believe is about the proper way to cross a lake.”
34.  “I don’t like the new president who hunts Muslim extremists, I like the old president who is a Muslim extremist.”
35.  “I hold a little fundraiser every day. It’s called going to work.”
36.  “I like talking about people who don’t have any power and it seems like some of the least powerful people in the United States are the migrant workers who come and do our work and don’t have any rights as a result. And yet we still invite them to come here, and at the same time ask them to leave.”
37.  “I like the fact of John McCain’s head being severed. Like that it will fit so much more nicely up George Bush’s butt!”
38.  “I live by syllogisms: God is love. Love is blind. Stevie Wonder is blind. Therefore, Stevie Wonder is God. I don’t know what I’d believe in if it wasn’t for that.”
39.  “I love making observations. That one is a classic example.”
40.  “I love the earth. If you ask me it’s the greatest planet in the world.”
41.  “I love the truth. It’s the facts I’m not a fan of.”
42.  “I may be just an empty flesh terminal reliant on technology for all my ideas, memories and relationships, but I am confident that all of that everything that makes me a unique human being is still out there somewhere, safe in a theoretical storage space owned by giant, multinational corporations.”
43.  “I may not agree with what you have to say but I will fight you to the death for the right to fight you to the death.”
44.  “I report, I decide.”
45.  “I teach Sunday school, motherf*****.”
46.  “I’m the frosting on America’s cake, and tonight I’m willing to let you lick the bowl.”
47.  “If Germans are happy it means everyone else is miserable.”
48.  “If I had a dime for every time that I was wrong, I’d be broke.”
49.  “If I had one wish, it would be for self-drying pants. Wait — no! Unlimited wishes! How do I return these stupid pants?!”
50.  “If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn’t have declared their independence from it.”
51.  “If this is going to be a Christian nation that doesn’t help the poor, either we have to pretend that Jesus was just as selfish as we are, or we’ve got to acknowledge that He commanded us to love the poor and serve the needy without condition and then admit that we just don’t want to do it.”
52.  “If women are breadwinners and men bring home the bacon, why do people complain about having no dough? I’m confused. Also hungry.”
53.  “I’m off for two weeks, so until I get back, take the characters in this tweet and parcel them out one per day. Use this Q wisely.”
54.  “In America, we know to ignore artists if they’re serious in any way.”
55.  “In God’s eyes all children are beautiful but here on earth we have higher standards.”
56.  “In the beginning, God created the heaven and the earth.” Sorry, Darwin-huggers, but it’s not “In the beginning, a monkey evolutioned gay marriage.”
57.  “Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That’s the sky. If you’re still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.”
58.  “Isn’t an agnostic just an atheist without balls?”
59.  “It is a well known fact that reality has liberal bias.”
60.  “It’s August, which means Congress is on recess and Mitch McConnell has shimmied back into the ocean to seek a mate.”
61.  “It’s back to school time. or as home-schoolers call it, stay-where-you-are time.”
62.  “It’s like boxing a glacier. Enjoy that metaphor, by the way, because your grandchildren will have no idea what a glacier is.”
63.  “It’s official. Highway patrolmen are not susceptible to the Jedi Mind Trick.”
64.  “It’s the way our founding fathers would have wanted it, if they had founded corporations instead of just a country.”
65.  “Knock Knock. Who’s there? The Truth. No joke.”
66.  “Like O’Rielly, we’ll grab the most important word of each sentence… ‘The’ for example. Also, I’ll say, ‘I’m angry,’ and the graphic will read, ‘Colbert angry.”
67.  “Look, PETA! If God hadn’t wanted us to eat animals, he wouldn’t have made them so darn tasty!” ― Stephen Colbert, I am America
68.  “Luckily, a recent survey published in the American Sociological Review revealed that atheists are the least trusted group in America—less trusted, even, than homosexuals. It makes sense at least we trust the homosexuals with our hair.”
69.  “Making a better tomorrow, tomorrow.”
70.  “Mitt Romney’s email was hacked! So if you start getting messages that sound like they’re from a bot, he’s fixed the problem.”
71.  “My character is self-important, poorly informed, well-intentioned but an idiot, … So we said, `Let’s give him a promotion.”
72.  “My guest Newt Gingrich shut down the government during the Clinton administration. I’ll ask him when it’s gonna start working again.”
73.  “NASA scientists have discovered a new form of life, unfortunately, it won’t date them either.”
74.  “NC passed law against global warming science, therefore it’s not happening. So I’m ignoring Twitter’s 140-character limit, so it’s not happ”
75.  “Never throw caution to the wind. It could whip back into your eyes and blind you.”
76.  “New study reveals men like to cuddle. Another study reveals men will say anything to get into bed with a woman.”
77.  “Now I don’t know why he’s denying them habeas corpus. I can only assume the guys they got detained over there did something really unforgivable. Like remind Obama he was once a professor of Constitutional Law.”
78.  “Now, for my younger viewers out there, a book is something we used to have before the internet. It’s sort of a blog for people with attention spans.”
79.  “Oliver Cromwell can kiss my singing emerald scrotum!”
80.  “Pain is the body’s way of telling the brain it’s in trouble. Similarly, confusion is the brain’s way of telling the body, ‘All right, buddy, drop that book.”

81.  “President Bush, have a hot dog with me.”
82.  “Remember, Jesus would rather constantly shame gays than let orphans have a family.”
83.  “Remember, you cannot be both young and wise. Young people who pretend to be wise to the ways of the world are mostly just cynics. Cynicism masquerades as wisdom, but it is the farthest thing from it. Because cynics don’t learn anything. Because cynicism is a self-imposed blindness, a rejection of the world because we are afraid it will hurt us or disappoint us. Cynics always say no. But saying “yes” begins things. Saying “yes” is how things grow. Saying “yes” leads to knowledge. “Yes” is for young people. So for as long as you have the strength to, say “yes’.”
84.  “Researchers from Britain’s Keele University have found that swearing after an injury may help alleviate pain. Evidently, the pain that you feel is inversely proportional to the number of middle names you give Jesus.”
85.  “Science attacks our most cherished opinions. Opinions which come straight from our collective gut. Oh, wait, according to gastroenterologists, the only thing that comes from the gut is waste left from the digestion of food. That’s right, “waste.” I guess that means that scientists literally think our opinions should be flushed down the toilet!”
86.  “Scientists have invented a new strain of cannabis without the high. They celebrated with non-alcoholic beer and furious dry-humping.”
87.  “Sir, pay no attention to the people who say the glass is half empty, because 32% means it’s 2/3 empty. There’s still some liquid in that glass is my point, but I wouldn’t drink it. The last third is usually backwash.
88.  “So if animals aren’t our friends, then what are they? The answer can be summed up between two buns.” ― Stephen Colbert, I am America
89.  “So my heart goes out to them. Figuratively. I would never actually entrust my heart to scientists—they’d probably implant it in a baboon. And a baboon with my heart would be practically unstoppable. Baboon strength and agility combined with my determination and media savvy? It would be a threat to all of humanity.”
90.  “So, if I’m no cheerleader of sports, why write a chapter about it? Sports do have some positive impact on society. They solve problems, such as how to get inner-city kids to spend $175 on shoes. They serve as a backdrop for some of our most memorable commercials. And they remain the one and only relevant application of math. Not only that, but we have sports to thank for most of the last century’s advances in manliness. The system starts in school, where gym class separates the men from the boys. Then those men are taught to be winners, or at least, losers that hate themselves.” ― Stephen Colbert, I am America
91.  “Sorry, but retirement offends me. You don’t just stop fighting in the middle of a war because your legs hurt. So why do you get to stop working in the middle of your life just because your prostate hurts? That’s desertion.”
92.  “Summer movie idea: take all the sequels that are out right now, and make movies about their backstories.”
93.  “Take it from me, there’s nothing like a job well done. Except the quiet enveloping darkness at the bottom of a bottle of Jim Beam after a job done any way at all.”
94.  “That’s why our TVs are brimming with so much hot man-on-pan action. You can’t channel surf for long without seeing turkey getting stuffed over and over until they finally cut to the gravy shot.”
95.  “The [Motion Picture Production Code] took effect on March 31, 1930, 5 months too late to prevent the Wall Street Crash, but early enough to keep The Sixties from happening until approximately 1964. (When America fell victim to the British Invasion).”
96.  “The fate of our country is now in the hands of people who don’t think about what they want until they get right up to the register at McDonald’s.”
97.  “The interesting thing about grief, I think, is that it is its own size. It is not the size of you. It is its own size. And grief comes to you. You know what I mean? I’ve always liked that phrase “He was visited by grief,” because that’s really what it is. Grief is its own thing. It’s not like it’s in me and I’m going to deal with it. It’s a thing, and you have to be okay with its presence. If you try to ignore it, it will be like a wolf at your door.”
98.  “The more you know, the sadder you get.”
99  “The only thing that gets me high is the musky scent of my enemy’s fear”
100. “The pen is mightier than the sword, if you shoot that pen out of a gun”
101.  “The skinnification of America’s jeanscape has gone too far.”
102.  “The summer movies are coming out. My advice: just stay home and burn a good book.”
103.  “The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach…just make sure you thrust upward through his ribcage.”
104.  “The worst thing about affirmative action is that it encourages reverse discrimination, so-called because it goes in the opposite way of how we naturally discriminate.”
105.  “The Yankees’ Facebook page was hacked. The hacker was immediately purchased and signed to a 5 year contract with the Yankees.”
106.  “There hasn’t been a scandal this big at the C.I.A. since (CLASSIFIED) committed (CENSORED) to (REDACTED).”
107.  “There’s an old saying about those who forget history. I don’t remember it, but it’s good.”
108.  “There’s nothing wrong with stretching the truth. We stretch taffy, and that just makes it more delicious.”
109.  “They said you can’t go to the moon. They said you can’t put cheese inside a pizza crust, but NASA did it. They had to, because the cheese kept floating off in space.”
110.  “They say the only people who tell the truth are drunkards and children. Guess which one I am.”
111.  “Think books aren’t scary? Well, think about this: You can’t spell “Book” without “Boo!”
112.  “Throughout human history, countries rise and fall. But not America–we continue to rise and rise, like dough, until Jesus bakes us in the fiery Afterscape of the Rapture.” ― Stephen Colbert, America Again: Re-becoming the Greatness We Never Weren’t
113.  “Tomorrow you’re all going to wake up in a brave new world, a world where the Constitution gets trampled by an army of terrorist clones, created in a stem-cell research lab run by homosexual doctors who sterilize their instruments over burning American flags. Where tax-and-spend Democrats take all your hard-earned money and use it to buy electric cars for National Public Radio, and teach evolution to illegal immigrants. Oh, and everybody’s high!”
114.  “Turn up your hearing aid ‘Grandpa’, because I’m only going to say this once!”
115.  “Twenty-two astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?” – Stephen Colbert to Congresswoman Stephanie Tubbs Jones, “The Colbert Report,” November 3, 2005”
116.  “Unlike Paul Newman, who seems to think that salad dressing is the cure-all for America’s ills, I’m a man of action.”
117.  “What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!”
118.  “What’s the worst that can happen? A tidal wave? Glaciers with guns?”
119.  “When meeting royalty, it is very important, no matter how excited you are, not to vomit on them. Instead, vomit on the nearest commoner.”
120.  “When the president decides something on Monday, he still believes it on Wednesday — no matter what happened Tuesday.” –Stephen Colbert, at the WHCD
121.  “Wikipedia is the first place I go when I’m looking for knowledge… or when I want to create some.”
122.  “Women don’t want all that. Women just want a partner who is considerate and attentive, who will spoon with them while reciting Keats, and feed them organic yogurt by candlelight on a seaside cliff at sunset.”
123.  “‎You cannot correct an old person every time they say something offensive. You would never make it through Thanksgiving dinner!”
124.  “You said in your book that at the end of the day, every politician is human. What about during the day?”
125.  “Have you ever thought of having the Clinton Global Initiative and TED Talks team up to make Bill and Ted’s Excellent Initiative?”

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