Four classic Christmas stories that now reflect such conservative principles as “responsible” gun-ownership, conformity, and cutthroat capitalism.
We all chuckled at Jimmy Kimmel’s Fox News version of the classic 1946 Christmas film “It’s a Wonderful Life.” Retitled “Mr. Potter and the Bedford Commies,” the plot centers not on “Draft-Dodger” George Bailey, whose “socialist” building and loan threatens the economic stability of the small town, but on capitalist Henry Potter, whose dream it is to turn Bedford Falls into a “modern entertainment and business mecca.”
What would other classic Christmas stories look like if they were given the same conservative spin? Below are four such tales that the right-wing might appreciate:
1. A Christmas Story
In this retelling, when Ralphie asks for a Red Ryder BB gun, his parents react not with skepticism and reservation but with pride and patriotism. And instead of buying their myopic, clumsy son a harmless old BB gun, they spring for a Colt .45, which Ralphie uses one day to gun down school bully Scut Farkus, reimagined as an hoodie-wearing, African-American teenager. The remainder of the film involves Ralphie’s juvenile court hearing, at the end of which he is climactically acquitted, declared a local hero, and held up as a model “responsible” gun-owner.
2. Miracle on 34th Street
Entitled “Miracle on Wall Street,” this film focuses on a mysterious, blue-collar, Middle Eastern-looking young man who wanders into the heart of American capitalism and proceeds to preach against the love of money. Attracting marginalized people such as the poor and down-trodden, the stranger, known as “Jesus,” helps feed the hungry and heal the sick, asking nothing in return. Deemed a nuisance and, worse, a socialist by the ruling class, he is detained. Despite a young girl’s insistence that Jesus is indeed a reincarnation of the biblical son of God, the stranger is tried and incarcerated. Evangelical capitalists rejoice.
3. How the Grinch Stole Christmas
After the Grinch steals all of Whoville’s material possessions, he undergoes a sudden change of heart. But instead of being moved by the magic of Christmas, he realizes that he can return the goods to the Whos with a 20 percent handling and “convenience” fee. The Whos initially balk at this exorbitant cost for something they already owned, but the Grinch deceives them into thinking that, with the extra money, he will be able to create much-needed jobs for the struggling village. Convinced, the Whos turn over hundreds of thousands of dollars to the Grinch, who grows his portfolio three sizes that day and invests it all in an offshore bank.
4. Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer
Because Rudolph refuses to become a “normal” reindeer, his saddened and humiliated parents send him to the Island of Misfit Toys, a conversion therapy center that promises to correct Rudolph’s “affliction.” Headed by prosperous free market gold and silver-trader Yukon Cornelius, the center successfully manages to change Rudolph’s nose from a garish red to a respectable, staid brown. As for Hermey the elf, Santa begrudgingly allows him to become a dentist on condition that he not admit patients who rely on government assistance.
Joseph Guyer resides in the reddest state in the Union, a wondrous place where pick-up trucks proudly display swinging novelty testicles, fried sticks of butter are deemed safe for human consumption, and female escorts can lawfully be shot for refusing to sleep with you. He firmly agrees with Bill Clinton that there is nothing wrong with America that can’t be cured by what is right with America. You can find him on Twitter @joerobguy.