Why I Am Leaving The Democratic Party And Voting Republican


I imagine this will come as a great shock to many but I have decided that I will vote a straight Republican ticket.

I have been singing the liberal song for so long now and it just isn’t working. I have asked so many senators and representatives to support the Equal Rights Amendment because for some crazy reason, I thought women should earn as much as men for the same work. They just ignore me. Every time I turn around, I hear Republican women telling me that pay inequality is just a myth. Men say it too.  Rick Perry just said it is ridiculous to even discuss it, and he has GREAT HAIR!

I have decided I DON’T CARE! And I am sick of Obama with his damn logic, reason and “community organizing.” He is not really the president anyway because he wasn’t born in America. Plus, he’s BLACK! OMG! The only way things would get worse is if we elected an emotionally hysterical WOMAN! OMG!! NOOOO. That would be worse than a Kenyan stoner!

Another reason I have decided to vote GOP – the men! There seem to be a lot of them. They have a specific interest in my nether region and that HAS to be a good thing, right? All those years of reading Cosmo told me that a man who pays attention to the vajayjay is a KEEPER.

Not to mention my sink is clogged and my car stereo is broken. I’m just a girl and I need help. I am SICK of having to take care of everything all by myself!  Republican men seem to be more than happy to do these things, and all I will have to do is make him a sandwich and maybe a blow-job. Seems fair.

I think the main reason why I have decided to vote Republican is because I am just sick and tired of worrying about my rights. It’s exhausting. Voting is such a pain anyway. I could be at the mall getting my nails done and ENJOYING a nice massage and some Republican man can pay for it. I am sick and tired of having to make every decision myself. It would be so much EASIER to let a man do everything for me AND give me an allowance. All these years of being a liberal slut – boy, did I have it backwards. I was taking care of myself, working and not even exchanging sex for money and security! I have been such a fool. Republican men are the REAL sugar daddies!

Transvaginal ultrasound probes are not so bad either. HELLO! I had something in my nightstand that worked the same way and I wasn’t complaining about it. In fact, it was awesomesauce. Although, I realize now, I should not be using the one in my nightstand. That is a doctor’s job and he should only insert one inside of me when the government mandates it. One less decision for me!

The only big government I want is in my vagina. Other than that, I don’t want any regulations. Airplanes may fall from the sky because there was no oversight but I GET IT NOW. GOD’S WILL! If I get sick, I SHOULD have to pay $45 for one Advil. Because CAPITALISM! The Environmental Protection Agency is just a big waste of time and money. Who needs clean water? I drink cola anyway!

In the end, it all boils down to a hard truth that I have decided to face. I don’t want to worry about being responsible for my fellow humans. I only want to think about myself and my life. I don’t want to fight for women’s rights anymore because women should just GET OVER IT and find a man. We would all be so much happier if all we have to worry about is if the drapes match the couch and if we know how to give proper BJs.

I woke up today, April 1, 2014 and it just became so clear:

I am woman. I serve man. It is so simple.

I am an April Fool.

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Kimberley Johnson

Kimberley A. Johnson (BIO) is the author of AMERICAN WOMAN: The Poll Dance & The Virgin Diaries and an activist for women’s rights. Like her on Facebook, Twitter or follow her on FB
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