Letter to Janay Palmer Rice, And To All The Women Who Stay

This original letter was reposted with permission from The Catharine Chronicles

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“I woke up this morning feeling like I had a horrible nightmare, feeling like I’m mourning the death of my closest friend. But to have to accept the fact that it’s reality is a nightmare in itself. No one knows the pain that the media and unwanted opinions from the public has cause my family. To make us relive a moment in our lives that we regret everyday is a horrible thing. To take something away from the man I love that he has worked his [expletive] off for all his life just to gain ratings is a horrific. THIS IS OUR LIFE! What don’t you all get. If your intentions were to hurt us, embarrass us, make us feel alone, take all happiness away, you’ve succeeded on so many levels. Just know we will continue to grow and show the world what real love is! Ravensnation, we love you!”

~Janay Palmer Rice, in response to her husband’s indefinite suspension from the NFL after video was made public which showed him knocking her unconscious with a punch to the face in a New Jersey casino earlier this year.

Dear Janay –

May I call you Janay? Because I feel when I’ve watched a woman get punched into unconsciousness by a man who has promised to love her forever, there’s a kind of intimacy there – a kind of sisterhood with all women everywhere. So, please, allow me this informality.

I have read your statement through a couple of times, and I’d like to respond to you in this letter. First, there are the accusations about how the media has ruined your life. This I cannot deny. It is a fact that you are one of the few victims of this kind of abuse (I know you don’t see it as abuse, but bear with me a bit here) where actual concrete, irrefutable evidence of the act of violence actually exists. A highly paid public figure argues with his soon-to-be wife in an elevator, knocks her out with a punch to the face, drags her limp body from the elevator, dumps her in a hallway, and stands over her, in what appears – from all videos of the scene — to be a complete lack of empathy or remorse. The video in the hallway came to light a few months ago. The video inside the elevator became public last night. It’s news, Janay. And news gets reported. If no one explained that to you before you hooked up with the multimillionaire professional football player, they should have. One of the other football wives should have pulled you aside and told you, “Anything you want to keep private will no longer be private, because you are in your husband’s spotlight now.”

I’m still trying to wrap my brain around the notion that it’s totally fine for your man to punch you dead in the face, but the media has caused you pain for reporting it. You understand that your husband is a public figure, and you as well, by extension. You understand that the incident did not take place in your living room or your bedroom. It took place in a casino full of people, in front of security cameras (one would have to be an idiot not to know that security camera in casinos are like lit doobies at the Playboy Jazz Festival – they’re freakin’ everywhere). You and your husband had an altercation in the casino, and carried into the elevator. And then he hit you, knocked you out, and dragged you out of the elevator. In front of cameras.

In other words: Do not make public that which you would keep private. You cannot blame the media for reporting something that took place in public. If you choose not to relive it, then turn off the television.

But I think we know, you and I (and the entire rest of the world), that even if you turn off the set, that’s not going to end the nightmare. This wasn’t the first time he hit you, and I’m going to bet big money it wasn’t the last, either. You reek of a woman who has been conditioned to take the hit, my dearest girl. “He only hits me because he loves me.” “I talk too much, I make him mad. Otherwise, he’d be fine.” “He says he’s sorry afterward. He even cries.”

Here’s why we as the public simply can’t understand that this is your life. Because, it isn’t, and for a few reasons.

What happened in that elevator wasn’t a personal argument. It was a violation of criminal code. Not just in New Jersey, but everywhere in the country. Thankfully, laws now exist on the books in all fifty states that prohibit one spouse from ending a marital argument with a punch to the face, no matter how irritating the other spouse is being. It’s a crime. When the charges are read, it’s not “Janay Palmer vs. Raynell Rice”. It’s “The People of the State of New Jersey vs. Raynell Rice”. That’s the criminal side of it. A deal was cut, a plea was entered. Slip, slap, swept under the rug. Wedding on.

Then there’s the social aspect of it. Remember what happened right after you regained consciousness? You were arrested too. Even after both uniformed Officers Cuong Sam and Bryon Hargis reviewed the very tape from inside the elevator that has caused your husband’s suspension, they arrested you as a perpetrator, too. In their eyes, you were a criminal, too. And that’s why it’s a big deal for the rest of us. Because regardless of what you thought, or they thought, you didn’t commit a crime (unless arguing with one’s spouse in public is a crime in New Jersey, and I’m betting it’s not). You have access to ready cash if you ever come to your senses and decide to flee. But there are thousands upon thousands of battered women out there who have no such “out”. As a society, we owe it to them to, at the very least, not to classify what happened in that elevator as okay. It’s not okay. Not for you and your husband, not for anyone. So we as a society have a right to express our outrage and insist that your husband, as a violent man, be called out and made accountable. You’re certainly not doing that. You married him after he hit you. Clearly, you are of no help to other women in this situation. If you are are not part of the solution, you are part of the problem. And YOU are NOT part of the solution.

Here’s the third reason why we can’t all just shut up and let you handle it. There’s a child involved here. Even if every time he shoves you, or hits you, or calls you “whore”, or “bitch”, or “c*nt”, he does it at home, there will still be an audience taking it all in. She may be too young to understand the words. But children grow up fast, and they normalize what they see in their homes far too easily for the rest of the world to stand back and say, “Oh, okay… you just handle it your way, sugar.” Because your way is to take the punch and keep your mouth shut. And someday, that will be the message your baby girl absorbs. I’ll tell you what a very wise man once told me: “Every day that goes by, you are teaching your daughter what it means to be a woman. What has she learned from you today?”

“Take the punch. Keep your mouth shut.”

It isn’t your life. You live in the world, dearest one. You cannot bask in the limelight of “Ravensnation” one minute, and then ask to be a private citizen, slapping make-up on the bruises and being allowed to apologize for not being a good enough punching bag without expecting any repercussions.

This is news, in a world where 24-hour news cycles make news disposable. In a month, two months, none of us will be talking about you anymore. We’ll have moved on to the next bit of news that shocks or titillates us. You’ll be alone with your angry husband in a house without cameras to protect you. You’ll get the privacy you are so anxious for, but I’m pretty sure it’s not going to bring you the comfort you think it will.

My wish for you is that you get the help you so desperately need. My wish for you is that you are able someday to see that love shouldn’t hurt, shouldn’t leave a purple bruise. My wish for you is that you are able to understand that whether you like it or not you are part of the world, and the world gets a say in what it deems acceptable behavior amongst its citizens.

Peace, darling one. Peace and wisdom and love.

Amanda Sowards

This original letter was reposted with permission from The Catharine Chronicles

Please take a moment and Like Kimberley A. Johnson on Facebook.

Kimberley A. Johnson (BIO) is the author of AMERICAN WOMAN The Poll Dance: Women and Voting & The Virgin Diaries and an activist for women’s rights. Like her on Facebook, Twitter or follow her on FB HERE.

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