Attention Candidates: I’m Watching And I WILL Vote

VOTE

The Republicans stance on women is all the reason you need to get out and vote this year. I’m watching and I WILL Vote. Will you?

Want to know the GOP’s stance on women? Here’s the basics:

  • Outlaw abortion except for the cases of rape, incest and the life of the mother.
  • Say that women can’t get pregnant from “legitimate rape,” so we can take out the rape portion. Even though there is no scientific proof behind it.
  • Say that with modern technology, there is no way that a woman’s life can be threatened by pregnancy, so eradicate that part from the party’s exceptions for abortion. Even though those deaths are actually going up rather than down.
  • Deny there such thing as incest- the only sex that happens is in marriage (thanks, RNC!).
  • Double down on abstinence only programs in high school, even though the states with abstinence only sex ed programs have the highest incidents of teen pregnancies.
  • Shut down funding for Planned Parenthood so that lower income women have nowhere to go to get pap smears, mammograms and incest-only abortions. If these lower income women die while pregnant, it must be for some other reason than her pregnancy. If they die of breast cancer, uterine cancer or other reproductive illnesses, it was their fault that they didn’t work hard enough to become middle class so they could afford health insurance.

Behold: The GOP platform for women’s reproductive health.

But hey, it doesn’t stop there. Even if you’re PRO-LIFE, you can’t get IVF, because it might mean some fetus’ not compatible to life might be destroyed,(thanks, Paul, Ryan!) and no matter how miserable that fetus that will turn into a human might be, how expensive, how heart-wrenchingly painful it might be for all concerned for this person to live their short life, that fetus should be born if it’s been fertilized. Period.

This means if you’re past 30? You’re probably not going to have a baby too easily. Period. No medical help for you! So if you’re in a so-so relationship and someday want a family but 30 is looming, marry that jerk you’re with before your uterus turns to ashes!

So what if you don’t really love him? Once pregnant, better quit that job and bring your career to a screaming halt- because we all know what happens to working single mothers- their children turn into violent gun murderers (thanks, Mitt Romney!). You wouldn’t want to happen!

After the baby, you want to space out the time between children, and understandably, your husband doesn’t want to wait for a few years before having sex again, yet his employer doesn’t believe he should pay for birth control, and your husband is Catholic- so no condoms, no birth control pills. Not like you could pay for it with your own money- you don’t have a job, let alone a career! Didn’t you know there are men out there who are supporting a family who need this job more than you do, even though you’re cheaper because you’re still paid between 72-78 cents on the dollar compared to a man?

And forget about breast feeding in public- those breasts are for men first (just your husband specifically), and your baby second! You need to go to a filthy bathroom to do THAT. But please don’t skip on it- if you don’t breastfeed your child, then he or she will turn out to be a homosexual (thanks again, Todd Akin!), so you really should feed your child surrounded by garbage.

There you are- under the Republicans, if you’re lucky, you’re in a bad marriage with a baby but no career, no monetary independence, no birth control, feeding your kid in a sewer so he doesn’t become gay or a gun-crazed psychopath who will still have no problem getting his hands on assault weapons.

Ain’t life under Republicans grand?

(Warning: this is a vision of the future based on statements made by Republicans who are running for office, both for the Legislative and Executive branches. Extremists abound in the GOP; some hold positions on committees. It could happen….)

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Samuel Warde
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