Teen Purity Expert: ‘Girls Are Crockpots, It Takes A While To Get Warmed Up’ – Video

waffles-crockpots

Teen purity experts like this one are possible as only 20 states currently require that sex-education is medically and factually accurate.

Guys are like microwaves, and girls are like crockpots. “His body won’t let him kiss without responding quickly – remember, he’s the microwave. Ding! She’s just getting warmed up – she’s the crockpot.” Says Shelly Donahue, who offers talks and workshops for teens and parents featuring her, um, very unique take on sex-education.



Donahue gave one of these talks last week at Jackson Hole High School in Wyoming where she proclaimed, “This is the first generation of high school girls that is very assertive. They are very aggressive. This is the first generation of girls that call boys first and touch boys first.” She told the horrific story of a girl putting her hand on her son’s leg, ALL THE WAY TO HER HOUSE. The horror.

The reason Donahue gives for aggression of these fallen women is, “If they didn’t get to show off when they were little for their daddies, they will show off to high school and college boys when they get older.”

I really hate to talk about food after you all just read that last sentence, but according to Shelly Donahue, boys have brains that are like waffles. They are “awesome brains” that have compartments for all their different thoughts. Girls brains are like tangled up spaghetti noodles. Getting involved with a guy means even the way we choose a term paper topic is affected. Guys and their waffle brains like math and science and logic and girls are into feelings. Right now, I’m writing this article, working on Biology, watching Dodie Clark videos on YouTube, just texted my boyfriend, and am eating Flamin’ Hot Cheetos. Leggo my Eggo, Shelly.

Oh, and Shelly says if sperm gets anywhere close to it, a girl’s vagina will turn into a Hoover vacuum.

So let’s recap. Crockpots with spaghetti brains and wind-tunnel-vaginas not showing off for daddy become aggressive leg-touching hussies who can’t write a term paper according to a crackpot who sucks up millions of dollars in federal funding.

Meanwhile, the number of teens receiving comprehensive, factual sex-education is declining, with an even greater decline being seen in rural areas.



President Obama’s proposed budget for 2016 eliminates federal funding for abstinence-only education.  Only 20 states currently require that sex-education is medically and factually accurate. School boards all over the country are making decisions about the kind of information their students will receive in the classroom.

Eliminating taxpayer funding for inaccurate, inadequate, and insulting programs and ensuring students have access to even the most basic comprehensive sex-education depends on how quickly voters warm up to the idea of getting involved–not just in the 2016 Presidential race, but in local and mid-term elections. If Republicans are able to take the White House, increase their majorities in Congress and increase their influence through local positions, the progress we’ve made on this issue will be stopped quickly. Ding!

Madison Kimrey

Madison Kimrey

Madison Kimrey is a student, actress, writer and teen activist who fights for LGBT rights, humane treatment of animals, women’s rights and promotes youth activism and participation in democracy. Follow her other blog, Functional Human Being
Madison Kimrey