‘Is Ted Cruz human?’ The Evidence Is In

Ted Cruz

An in depth investigation to determine whether Ted Cruz is capable of experiencing normal human emotion, behavior… whether he is in fact a human.

Salon and Gentleman’s Quarterly (GQ) have each conducted an independent analysis Ted Cruz to determine whether he seems capable of experiencing normal human emotions such as empathy.


Salon’s September 2, 2017 article is titled: “Is Ted Cruz human? An investigation” began by announcing that “The United States government should commission a study to determine whether or not Ted Cruz is human.”

Continuing,  Salon’s David Masciotra writes:

Many social, political and economic crises threaten to trouble the American future, but there is an imperative to learn if an alien species, sophisticated cyborg creation, or previously undiscovered genetic mutation has infiltrated the government. Stopping such an invasion might finally result in the bipartisan unity that many Republicans and Democrats claim to desire in the divided era of President Trump.

Noting that there are “skeptics who believe that an inquiry into Senator Ted Cruz’s mammalian authenticity is wasteful of taxpayer dollars,” Masciotra offers the following points of concern:

During the 2016 Presidential primaries, Donald Trump insinuated that Ted Cruz’s father participated in the assassination of President John F. Kennedy. He also implied that Cruz’s wife is ugly and threatened, presumably, to reveal details surrounding her struggle against depression. Cruz’s immediate reaction was to strongly denounce and attack Trump, calling him a “sniveling coward.”

At some point, the wiring inside Cruz’s steel cranium went faulty, or maybe it was only after Cruz’s initial statement that a paranormal force took residence inside his soul, but now Cruz embraces Trump to the point of defending his dangerous behavior and reckless rhetoric. Cruz’s comfort with the man who demeaned his wife and slandered his father demonstrates an odd and disturbing lack of human emotion and attachment.


Masciotra offers other examples of Cruz behaving in an inhumane fashion – like the time he voted against relief for victims of Hurricane Sandy and the time he had a little girl in tears at a campaign rally after telling her that “your world is on fire.”

Taking a much different approach, GQ‘s June 2017 article was titled “Is Ted Cruz Capable of Normal Displays of Human Affection? An Investigation” and begins with a brief overview of some of the Texas tea party senator’s online behaviors, writing:

Texas senator and noted romper aficionado Ted Cruz has become quite the amateur Twitter comedian of late, with results ranging from mildly amusing to dismayingly dumb to deeply and profoundly offensive.

Continuing, GQ reported that: “history has provided ample evidence that Cruz is physically incapable of interacting with others in a way that doesn’t prompt you to involuntarily scream and then sit down where you are and refuse all human contact for somewhere between four and six hours.”

GQ went on to offer three exhibits to prove their point:

Exhibit A is the awkward time Ted Cruz and Carly Fiorina were holding hands at a campaign rally shortly after Cruz announced that Fiorina would be his running mate for the 2016 election although he had not – and did not – win the nomination.

Exhibit B is the time Cruz elbowed his wife in the face after announcing he was shutting down his presidential campaign.

Exhibit C is the time Cruz was unable to get a kiss from his daughter while campaigning.

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Samuel Warde

Samuel is a writer, social activist, and all-around troublemaker.
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