God Rest Ye Merry, Gentlemen
We wish you happy holidays, whoever you may be
So merry Christmas, Kwanzaa, Chanukah, or heck all three
We’ve modernized these jingles for the massive bourgeoisie
Love, The Updated Christmas Carol Team
Santa Clause is Coming to Town
You better not judge, you better not hate
Better not bully or discriminate
Progressive Santa’s coming to town
He’s making a list of gluten free foods
He won’t take a peek at J-Law’s nudes
Progressive Santa’s coming to town
He’s 50 different races
And all for tax reform
He’ll protect all your children
Well, as long as they’ve been born

Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer
Rudolph the red nosed reindeer (reindeer)
Had an advantageous nose (he outlived his friends)
He passed his bright red traits on (traits on)
Darwin said that’s how it goes (evolution’s not a theory)

Mary Did You Know
Mary did you know that your baby boy supports the NRA
Mary did you know that your baby boy is white

Deck the Halls
Deck the halls with kujichagulia
Kwa wa wa wa wa wa wa wanza
Give zawadi, hang benderas
Kwa wa wa wa wa wa wa wanza
Throw your hands up in the air-uh
Kwa wa wa wa wa wa wa wanza

You’re a Mean One, Mr. Grinch
You’re a green one, Mr. Grinch
You’re lacking in finesse
That greenish epidermis determines your success
Mr. Grinch
Racist Whos constrain you to the issues they continue to suppress
You’re an outlier, Mr. Grinch
You give the Whos a fright
They say your heart is 3/5ths normal,
You’re either wrong or white
Mr. Grinch
Don’t walk the streets of Whoville you might fight a cop the Whos will not indict

White Christmas
I’m dreaming of a racially ambiguous holiday

Away In A Manger
Away in a manger with Jesus and crew
His schmeckle got cut cause hey Christ was a Jew

O Holy Night
O holy night, the stars are brightly shining
It is the night Jesus did something holy
Joseph watched golf, his leather chair reclining
As Mary birthed a child, I think a donkey was involved
Three wise men came, with GPS they found him
Christ lied in a barn, as his omniscient baby-daddy looked down
Jesus crawled on his knees
His mom shared it on snapchat
O bright device!
O night, when Christ celebrated Christmas.