Hilarious Mitt Romney Jokes

Mitt Romney Jokes

“A new biography came out that says that in high school Obama was a huge pothead.  Mitt Romney had to respond to this and said, ‘It is appalling that Obama spent his teenage years goofing around and smoking pot when he should have been pinning down gay kids and cutting their hair.” –Bill Maher

“Apparently a large branch of Mitt Romney’s family lives in Mexico. His grandfather in the late 1800s moved his whole family to Mexico to avoid being prosecuted for polygamy. Mitt can use that to show that he’s tough on immigration. His family kicked themselves out of the country.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Experts are predicting that in the first Republican debate, Mitt Romney will face his fiercest ideological opponent: himself from four years ago.” —Conan O’Brien

“Hookers in Times Square, God bless ’em, are offering a Mitt Romney Special. For an extra $20 they’ll change positions.” –David Letterman

“How about Mitt Romney? Now there’s a guy who looks like you would see his picture on a package of men’s briefs.” –David Letterman

“I think Mitt Romney and Sarah Palin would be the perfect ticket. She can’t answer basic questions, and he has two answers for every question.” —Jay Leno

“I’m having trouble warming up to Mitt Romney. He looks like the guy in the restaurant that comes to your table to make sure everything’s all right.” –David Letterman

“Many voters feel that Mitt Romney is out of touch with real Americans after he tried to make a bet with Rick Perry for $10,000. When asked to comment, Mitt said, ‘I’m sorry, but that’s all I had in my pocket at the time.'” –Conan O’Brien

“Mitt Romney believes that marriage should be between one man and one woman. Which is better than his grandfather, who believed that it should be between one man and five women.” -Jimmy Kimmel

“Mitt Romney has been giving his volunteers a free sweatshirt for making phone calls on his behalf. The sweatshirts are just like Romney, 100 percent reversible.” -Jimmy Fallon

“Mitt Romney has come under fire for his pledge to eliminate federal funding for PBS. Romney said, ‘When I’m president, the only operated puppet speaking to kids will be me.” –Conan O’Brien

“Mitt Romney is saying his comments about liking to fire people were taken out of context. Yeah, what he actually said was he likes to set poor people on fire.” –Conan O’Brien

“Mitt Romney just barely won the Republican primary in Ohio by 1%. Then Romney made the mistake of saying, ‘Ladies and gentlemen, tonight is a victory for the 1%!'” –Conan O’Brien

“Mitt Romney looks like a guy modeling briefs on a package of underwear … He looks like a guy who goes to the restroom when the check comes … He looks like a guy who would run a seminar on condo flipping … He looks like he is the closer at a Cadillac dealership…. He looks like that guy on the golf course in the Levitra commercial.” —David Letterman

“Mitt Romney says he understands the middle class, and that he knows it’s not easy keeping a roof over your family’s heads — as well as vacation roofs in San Diego, New Hampshire, and Park City, Utah.” –Jay Leno

“Mitt Romney was attacking Obama about our failing education system. He has a point. We are graduating millions of people in this country who are so lacking in basic analytical skills, they are considering voting for Mitt Romney.” –Bill Maher

“Mitt Romney was on the ‘Today Show’ and admitted he likes to read the ‘Twilight’ books and watch ‘American Idol.’ If elected, he would be the 1st Mormon and the 1st 13-year-old girl to be President.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Mitt Romney was sitting down with some unemployed workers the other day. Mitt is worth a quarter of a billion dollars, and he said, ‘Hey, I’m unemployed too.’ That is the famous Mormon sense of humor. A little tip Mitt, your people are only funny when the ‘South Park’ guys write your jokes. ” —Bill Maher

“Mitt Romney, who is on record saying that he would not waste money going after bin Laden, on record saying he would not violate Pakistan’s border to get bin Laden, this week said, ‘Of course I would have gotten bin Laden.’ Even his Etch-A-Sketch went, seriously?” –Bill Maher

“Mitt Romney’s wife says her husband loves caffeine free Diet Coke. Or as it’s known in the Mormon community, the ultimate gateway drug.” –Conan O’Brien

“No! Not Captain Buzzkill! Not the guy who looks like everyone who ever fired your dad! He’s gonna suck all the fun right out of this crazy thing. Just look at the online video announcing his run. It looks like it could double as an ad for erectile dysfunction pills. ‘Mitt Romney: for when the moment’s right.'” —Jon Stewart on Mitt Romney running for president

“Political analysts are saying that Mitt Romney is having trouble generating enthusiasm among Iowa voters. Now, ladies and gentlemen, you know you have a problem when people in Iowa find you dull.” –Conan O’Brien

“Republicans are now starting to accept the fact that Mitt Romney will be their nominee for president. But you know, they’re not that excited about it. It’s kind of like starting to accept that you’re going to prom with your sister.” –Jay Leno

“That Mitt Romney, he is a master campaigner. This week he was introducing his wife, and he said, ‘She is the heavyweight champion of my life.” Which may explain why on the ride home, he was strapped to the roof of the car.” –Bill Maher

“Today Mitt Romney visited a firehouse here in New York City. Of course, he was disappointed when he learned that the firehouse is not where you get to fire people.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Well, the presidential race is getting interesting. In an effort to clear up his reputation as a flip-flopper, Mitt Romney will give a speech on health care. And then, right afterward, he’ll give a five-minute rebuttal.” —Jay Leno

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