Campaign Suggestions for 2016 Hopeful Mitt Romney


Two crushing presidential defeats weren’t enough for you Mr. Willard Romney. Your enormous, inflated ego is making it IMPOSSIBLE for you to stay out of the 2016 race.

In my humble opinion, I think you are full of dressage horsepoo and will be defeated AGAIN as long as you run on the same, old, tired Romney talking points. I have some suggestions that might help you out and put you back in the drivers seat.

There’s a whole bunch of extremist right-wingers (Tea Partiers) who think you’re nice and all, but they see you as an establishment candidate. They HATE establishment candidates and they want hardcore extremists to destroy the very fabric of this country; think Rick Santorum, Ted Cruz and Marco Rubio. They want to hear that as POTUS, you will work diligently to ban all abortions, take down the IRS, kill Social Security and take away healthcare from millions of lazy voters – the healthcare plan that you came up with. *Extra points if you tell everyone you made a mistake and affordable healthcare for all is a horrible idea and that only rich people should be provided that privilege.

Tell us that God calls you on a special heavenly white God phone (sort of like the red nuke phone) and tells you that you are the Chosen One. That particular strategy seems to be working for Dr. Ben Carson. Note: Do NOT mention the White Horse Prophecy. The religious right is convinced that Mormonism is a cult and you don’t want to call attention to that.

You’ll take votes away from Huckabee/Cruz/Santorum if you proclaim that single women who are on birth control are evil witches and deserve to be burned at the stake. *Extra points for saying that women who seek employment will be arrested, and be extradited to Turkey, where they will live out a lifetime sentence.

Announce that you will prove climate change is a silly liberal conspiracy by dismantling the Environmental Protection Agency and creating an executive order that will mandate fracking in every town in the USA. *Extra points if you state that you will boost the economy by creating manufacturing companies (a new jobs bill) that will have no pesky regulations and will spew toxic chemicals into the atmosphere. *Extra extra points if you tell companies they should outsource those jobs to workers from China.

Run ads saying that everyone who votes for you will receive an AK 47, and offer a free pass on the first successful murder with said weapon. *Extra points if the victims are gay, black, Hispanic or women. *Extra extra points for any combination of all four.

If all of that fails, pull out the big guns and publicly state that you will bring back slavery but this time, you will include homosexuals and anyone who is a registered Democrat.

That’s my advice Mitt. Take it or leave it. But remember what happened in 2012.  And if I may speak frankly, if you’re counting on winning by once again being a self-satisfied, rich, white male, I seriously doubt you will win over the important fringe vote. Plus you do have a foe in Jebbers. So step up the cray, Mitt. It’s really your only chance.

 *Extra points accrued will equal free ammo for all Romney voters.

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Kimberley Johnson
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