50 Great Jon Stewart Quotes

Barack Obama on the Daily Show July 21, 2015.jpg
By Pete Souza – Official White House Photo by Pete Souza (whitehouse.gov), Public Domain, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=41765562

1. “And try as I might, I am having difficulty giving a f**k.”

2. “As an adolescent, Vonnegut made my life bearable.”

3. “Being a superpower is like being a Santa Claus that everyone hates.”

4. “By the way, when you finish the bottle of Crown Royal, you can still use the pouch to hold your broken dreams.”

5. “Donald Rumsfeld. Love him or hate him, you’ve gotta admit: a lot of people hate him.”

6. “Get there early because hope does not park your mother-fucking car.”

7. “Here’s how bizarre the war is that we’re in Iraq, and we should have known this right from the get-go: When we first went into Iraq, Germany didn’t want to go. Germany. The Michael Jordan of war took a pass.”

8. “I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.”

9. “I thinking gay and straight people use the same putters, it’s not a matter of putters but a matter of hole selection.”

10. “I was born with an adult head and a tiny body. Like a ‘Peanuts’ character.”

11. “I’m not going to censor myself to comfort your ignorance”

12. “If “con” is the opposite of pro, then isn’t Congress the opposite of progress? Or did we just fucking blow your mind?!?”

13. “If America leads a blessed life, then why did God put all of our oil under people who hate us?”

14. “If everything is amplified, we hear nothing.”

15. “If we amplify everything, we hear nothing.”

16. “If you don’t stick to your values when they’re being tested, they’re not values: they’re hobbies.”

17. “In fourteen hundred ninety-two Columbus sailed the ocean blue and discovered America. Now, some have argued Columbus actually discovered the West Indies, or that Norsemen had discovered America centuries earlier, or that you really can’t get credit for discovering a land already populated by indigenous people with a developed civilization. Those people are communists. Columbus discovered America.”

18. “Insomnia is my greatest inspiration.”

19. “It’s not that the Democrats are playing checkers and the Republicans are playing chess. It’s that the Republicans are playing chess and the Democrats are in the nurse’s office because once again they glued their balls to their thighs.”

20. “I’ve been to Canada, and I’ve always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in about two days.”

21. “Most world religions denounced war as a barbaric waste of human life. We treasured the teachings of these religions so dearly that we frequently had to wage war in order to impose them on other people.”

22. “No one is better at not beating America than England.”

23. “Parenthood is an amazing opportunity to be able to ruin someone from scratch.”

24. “Pigmentation was a quick and convenient way of judging a person. One of us, Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., once proposed we instead judge people by the content of their character. He was shot.”

25. “Religion is far more of a choice than homosexuality.”

CLICK HERE FOR   125 Stephen Colbert Quotes

26. “Religion. It’s given people hope in a world torn apart by religion.”

27. “So, is there hope for a truly democratic Africa? Long answer: Only if continent-wide improvements in education, human rights and public health are coupled with an aggressive and far-sighted debt-relief program that breaks the cycle of subsistence farming and urban squalor. Short answer: No.”

28. “The bias of the mainstream media is toward sensationalism, conflict, and laziness.”

29. “The internet is just a world passing notes around a classroom.”

30. “The more you delve into science, the more it appears to rely on faith.”

31. “The problem with the Tea Party is they’re all ignorant hillbillies who drink moonshine and ride around on mules. And they believe in stereotypes too.”

32. “The reason I don’t worry about society is, nineteen people knocked down two buildings and killed thousands. Hundreds of people ran into those buildings to save them. I’ll take those odds every f*cking day.”

33. “The Westboro Baptist Church is no more a church than Church’s Fried Chicken is a church.”

34. “Thomas Jefferson once said: ‘Of course the people don’t want war. But the people can be brought to the bidding of their leader. All you have to do is tell them they’re being attacked and denounce the pacifists for somehow a lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same in any country.’ I think that was Jefferson. Oh wait. That was Hermann Goering. Shoot.”

35. “To have not shot his friend in the face would have sent a message to the quail that America is weak.”

36. “To the people who are upset about their hard-earned tax money going to things they don’t like: welcome to the f*cking club. Reimburse me for the Iraq war and oil subsidies, and diaphragms are on me!”

37. “We called her Mother Earth. Because she gave birth to us, and then we sucked her dry.”

38. “We must, together as a nation, stop watching Fox.”

39. “We’ve come from the same history – 2000 years of persecution – we’ve just expressed our sufferings differently. Blacks developed the blues. Jews complained, we just never thought of putting it to music.”

40. “What are you so mad about? That we still have a government? We still have “traffic lights.” We’re sorry. The government’s not perfect, but some people wish it was better, not gone.”

41. “What would Jesus, or any human being who isn’t an asshole, do?”

42. “When did fact checking and journalism go their separate ways?”

43. “Why did the Articles [of Confederation] fail so completely? Most historians believe the founding fathers spent a great deal of their first constitutional convention drafting the delaration of independence and only realized on July 3rd the Articles were also due.”

44. “Yes, reason has been a part of organized religion, ever since two nudists took dietary advice from a talking snake.”

45. “Yes, the long war on Christianity. I pray that one day we may live in an America where Christians can worship freely! In broad daylight! Openly wearing the symbols of their religion… perhaps around their necks? And maybe — dare I dream it? — maybe one day there can be an openly Christian President. Or, perhaps, 43 of them. Consecutively.”

46. “Yesterday, the president met with a group he calls the coalition of the willing. Or, as the rest of the world calls them, Britain and Spain”

47. “You can use your idealism to further your aims, if you realize that nothing is Nirvana, nothing is perfect.”

48. “You have to remember one thing about the will of the people: it wasn’t that long ago that we were swept away by the Macarena.”

49. “You know what they say: If at first you don’t succeed, f**k it.”

50. “You wonder sometimes how our government puts on its pants in the morning.”

CLICK HERE FOR   125 Stephen Colbert Quotes

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