”I do miss George Bush. Compared to these teabaggers and the people who are pandering to them, he looks like a professor.” — Bill Maher
”Republican voters have been reduced to using the same criteria as a 4 a.m. barroom pickup: he has a pulse and no visible cold sores.” — Stephen Colbert
”Yesterday, of course, on Fox News commentator Glenn Beck said that he believes President Obama is a racist. Well, to be fair, every time you watch Glenn Beck, it does get a little easier to hate white people.” — Conan O’Brien
”Tea Party candidate Michele Bachmann said the Revolutionary War started in New Hampshire when it really started in Massachusetts. Interesting that a woman who believes so strongly in states rights can’t get her states right.” — Jay Leno
”John McCain said that Sarah Palin is still a force in the Republican Party. Then he got in his car and backed over his mailbox.” — David Letterman
”Texas Governor Rick Perry distanced himself from George W. Bush by saying, ‘I went to Texas A&M. He went to Yale.’ In other words, his idea of instilling confidence is by saying, ‘Don’t worry. I’m not as smart as George W. Bush.”’ — Conan O’Brien
”You know this Tea Party candidate, Christine O’Donnell, is causing a lot of controversy with her kind of unorthodox views. She’s come out against masturbation. You know what that means? She’s out of touch with those voters who are in touch with themselves.” — Jay Leno
”Everyone is talking about Steven Slater, the flight attendant who cursed at a passenger, grabbed two beers, and slid down the escape slide, in what may be the best resignation ever. In fact he’s so good at quitting, they’re thinking about making him the next governor of Alaska.” — Jimmy Kimmel
”Only 42 percent of Republicans believe Obama was born in the United States. That’s an amazing statistic. How come in America Christians are the only ones who won’t take anything on faith?” — Bill Maher
”Republican donors aren’t happy about this. It’s not fair that rich Republicans spend huge amounts of money at sex clubs and poor Republicans have to go to airport bathrooms.” — Craig Ferguson
”A family values conservative Republican from Indiana, Mark Souder, has admitted to having an affair with a woman on his staff. Apparently Souder would take this woman to remote locations inside state parks and have sex with her. See, this is what Republicans mean when they talk about opening up our public lands for drilling.” — Jay Leno
”Mitt Romney was on the ‘Today Show’ and admitted he likes to read the ‘Twilight’ books and watch ‘American Idol.’ If elected, he would be the 1st Mormon and the 1st 13-year-old girl to be President.” — Jimmy Kimmel
”I will show you President Obama’s birth certificate when you show me Sarah Palin’s high school diploma.” — Bill Maher
”Forget Obamneycare, I want to know how Minnesota’s health plan keeps Tim Pawlenty alive without a spine.” — Stephen Colbert
”The floor of a cave called. It wants its bat sh*t back.” — Bill Maher on Rep. Michele Bachmann
“Fox: shut the fuck up about how victimized you and you alone are. Nobody cares.” — Jon Stewart
“The big rumor in Washington is that President Bush is about to hire Tony Snow of Fox News to be his new press secretary. His job will be to defend everything the president does, so it’s basically a lateral move. It’s basically the same thing he’s doing now.” — Jay Leno
“Fox News’ Bill O’Reilly has been at the forefront in defending Christmas, even though, until recently, Fox’s own online store invited viewers to buy an ‘O’Reilly Factor’ holiday ornament for their holiday tree. In the war on Christmas, that’s known as friendly fire. … Legend has it every time you say ‘Happy Holidays,’ an angel gets AIDS.” — Jon Stewart
“A lot of Republicans have come forward to criticize Howard Dean about his latest comments about the Republican Party. Let me tell you something — if Dean wants to insult you and make outrageous statements he should do what the Republicans do and get a talk show on Fox News.” — Jay Leno
“A cable access show has a character called ‘Dick Smart’ and it was a talking penis, trying to tell kids about contraception. A court of appeals has laid down the law that you cannot have a talking penis on the TV. Fox News has reacted immediately and fired Sean Hannity.” — Bill Maher
“Fox News Channel has launched a contest called ‘Bloviate with Bill,’ in which six viewers will be flown to New York and given the chance to fend off O’Reilly’s unwanted sexual advances.” — Tina Fey
“CBS News today has fired four employees for wildly fabricating a news story. The good news: they all got jobs over at Fox.” — Craig Ferguson
“The Chinese government launched China’s first 24-hour news channel. And since the channel will only report stories that are favorable to the ruling party, they’ve decided to call it Fox News.” —Conan O’Brien
“This week the Fox News Channel found out that a man that they had repeatedly interviewed lied about being a Lieutenant Colonel in the Army and he wasn’t a real Colonel at all. Yeah, and they had been interviewing this guy for months. After hearing the news a spokesperson for FOX said, ‘Big deal, Geraldo is not a real reporter.'” —Conan O’Brien
“You know what a fake news show on Fox News should give you? Real news!” —Lewis Black
“Fox tends to lean more to the right than a man who’s just had his right leg blown off.” —Charlie Brooker, Newswipe
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