America’s Best Christian, Mrs. Betty Bowers, Skypes with notoriously deranged homophobe Shirley Phelps-Roper, spokesnut for Westboro Baptist Church.
NOTE TO THE LITERAL MINDED: This is satire.
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Hark, Westboro Baptist Church! I wanted to Skype with you today on behalf of all respectable, Conservative Christian organizations. Your crude eagerness to say what you’re really thinking is, frankly, embarrassing the rest of us. Yes, we get it: You don’t like the gays. Who does? But when it comes to hating homos, there is only one word for Westboro Baptist: Amateurs! Because — unlike you — we’re actually taken seriously.
You don’t see anyone trying to shout us down — or shut us up. Quite the contrary! TV can’t slap our mugs on the screen fast enough! Every time they need someone in a tailored suit to denigrate homosexuals with a smile, there we are! And not just on Fox. CNN, ABC, CBS, NBC — you name it. They all treat us with an easy, deferential respect that’s pointedly withheld from you carelessly candid Christians at Wesboro Baptist. Because the trick to getting away with a “God Hates Fags” message is so simple: Just avoid those three words. Well, at least when a camera’s running .
You see, we may hate the same people, but we package our loathing more carefully than you ham-fisted prairie yokels, with your blunt invective, polygamist-compound couture and conspicuous unfamiliarity with hair conditioner. We use focus-groups. And we talk in code. We don’t “hate fags;” we “pray for sinful homosexuals.”
Frankly, you unsophisticated loudmouths are showing our hand. And the world of big-budget politics is no place for candor. Try expressing your religious prejudices in more artful, consumer-friendly ways. Instead of “God hates fags” try something that’s worked really well for us: Love the sinner — but hate everything about them! Because hate doesn’t need to sound ugly. Hate Pretty. Like we do.
[This message is brought to you by The Heritage Foundation, Focus on the Family, Traditional Values Coalition, Concerned Women for America, the Family Research Council and the Roman Catholic Church — serving up a more subtle Westboro Baptist Church on respectable news outlets throughout America.]
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