Here is a collection of 50 all-time favorite status updates from Facebook and Twitter. Be sure to post any favorites that were not included in the comments below.
Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?- Cleavage is too powerful to be left in the hands of amateurs.
- Stupidity should be painful.
- “And that’s what it’s all about”. ~~The Hokey Pokey
- 4 out of 5 of the voices in my head are telling me “Go for it”.
- “Crack” Never ever do a drug named after a part of your ass!
- A day without sunshine is like, well – it’s like night!
- As I recall no one ever told me “how to get to Sesame Street”.
- If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind I wonder what a clean desk means?!
- “When I find myself in times of trouble margaritas come to me, speaking words of wisdom………..”
- There are three kinds of people who claim to be secure in their masculinity: fools, liars and lesbians.
- Why is it that all the things in life that are desirable are either expensive, fattening, illegal or already married?
- A vasectomy means never having to say you’re sorry.
- USEFUL DEFINITIONS: potholes (noun) – memory lapses due to the excessive use of marijuana
- If a man is talking, and there is no woman there to hear him, is he still wrong?
- Cigarettes are the number 1 cause of statistics.
- I always take life with a grain of salt, …plus a slice of lemon, …and a shot of tequila.
- Do paranoid schizophrenic agnostic dyslexic insomniacs lie awake at night wondering if they might be the dog that’s out to get them?
- I’m so far behind I thought for a moment I was in first place.
- But officer, I was way to drunk to consider walking home!
- Drinking may not solve all your problems, however passing out from drinking sure forces a timeout!
- Sex is like air. It’s not important unless you aren’t getting any.
- Roses are red, Violets are blue, I’m schizophrenic and so am I.
- A clean conscience is symptomatic of a bad memory.
- Error: Keyboard not detected. Press F1 to continue.
- Chocolate: the other major food group.
- Atheists are non-prophet.
- Consciousness: that extremely annoying period inbetween drunks and naps.
- Hands up motherstickers! This is a f*ckup!!!!
- I am not a stalker. I am just very curious.
- Bipartisanship: I’ll hug your elephant if you kiss my ass
- I would procrastinate if I could only find more time.
- Is it a coincidence that there are 24 beers to a case and 24 hours to a day?
- Televangelists: the professional wrestlers of religion.
- Two wrongs do not make a right – however 3 lefts do.
- U.S. Congress: 100 senators, 435 Representatives, No Clue.
- Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.
- Dyslexics have more nuf.
- A loose tongue gets in tight places.
- I’m hung like Einstein and smart as a horse.
- 4 out of every 3 people have a hard time with math.
- Never underestimate the power of stupidity!
- My president invaded Iraq and all I got was a trillion dollar deficit!
- ATTENTION: Illiterates write now for free help!
- When the going gets tough, the tough get the hell out of town!
- The Proud United States Army: “We kill more people by 9.00 a.m. than some countries kill all year”.
- Insanity is just another word for nothin’ left to lose!
- “I was framed”
- If you love someone, set them free. If she doesn’t come back, sleep with her best friend…. that will show her!!!
- If life gives you lemons make orange juice
Samuel is a writer, social activist, and all-around troublemaker.
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