Top 50 Facebook and Twitter Status Updates

Here is a collection of 50 all-time favorite status updates from Facebook and Twitter. Be sure to post any favorites that were not included in the comments below.

Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?
Cleavage is too powerful to be left in the hands of amateurs.
Stupidity should be painful.
“And that’s what it’s all about”. ~~The Hokey Pokey
4 out of 5 of the voices in my head are telling me “Go for it”.
“Crack” Never ever do a drug named after a part of your ass!
A day without sunshine is like, well – it’s like night!
As I recall no one ever told me “how to get to Sesame Street”.
If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind I wonder what a clean desk means?!
“When I find myself in times of trouble margaritas come to me, speaking words of wisdom………..”
There are three kinds of people who claim to be secure in their masculinity: fools, liars and lesbians.
Why is it that all the things in life that are desirable are either expensive, fattening, illegal or already married?
A vasectomy means never having to say you’re sorry.
USEFUL DEFINITIONS: potholes (noun) – memory lapses due to the excessive use of marijuana
If a man is talking, and there is no woman there to hear him, is he still wrong?
Cigarettes are the number 1 cause of statistics.
I always take life with a grain of salt, …plus a slice of lemon, …and a shot of tequila.
Do paranoid schizophrenic agnostic dyslexic insomniacs lie awake at night wondering if they might be the dog that’s out to get them?
I’m so far behind I thought for a moment I was in first place.
But officer, I was way to drunk to consider walking home!
Drinking may not solve all your problems, however passing out from drinking sure forces a timeout!
Sex is like air. It’s not important unless you aren’t getting any.
Roses are red, Violets are blue, I’m schizophrenic and so am I.
A clean conscience is symptomatic of a bad memory.
Error: Keyboard not detected. Press F1 to continue.
Chocolate: the other major food group.
Atheists are non-prophet.
Consciousness: that extremely annoying period inbetween drunks and naps.
Hands up motherstickers! This is a f*ckup!!!!
I am not a stalker. I am just very curious.
Bipartisanship: I’ll hug your elephant if you kiss my ass
I would procrastinate if I could only find more time.
Is it a coincidence that there are 24 beers to a case and 24 hours to a day?
Televangelists: the professional wrestlers of religion.
Two wrongs do not make a right – however 3 lefts do.
U.S. Congress: 100 senators, 435 Representatives, No Clue.
Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.
Dyslexics have more nuf.
A loose tongue gets in tight places.
I’m hung like Einstein and smart as a horse.
4 out of every 3 people have a hard time with math.
Never underestimate the power of stupidity!
My president invaded Iraq and all I got was a trillion dollar deficit!
ATTENTION: Illiterates write now for free help!
When the going gets tough, the tough get the hell out of town!
The Proud United States Army: “We kill more people by 9.00 a.m. than some countries kill all year”.
Insanity is just another word for nothin’ left to lose!
“I was framed”
If you love someone, set them free. If she doesn’t come back, sleep with her best friend…. that will show her!!!
If life gives you lemons make orange juice

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