Interview With Eric Cantor – Life After Defeat (SATIRE)

I had the opportunity to sit down with ex House Majority Leader Eric Cantor to discuss his humiliating defeat by Teapulican lunatic David Brat.

I met Cantor at his home on Wednesday and needless to say, nerves were frayed and emotions were raw. Upon my arrival, I was told Cantor was in the middle of something very important and that I might be waiting for a long while. It was evident the important thing he was doing involved a pity party. Loud sobbing noises emanated from the back of the house and when Cantor emerged, unshaven and un-kept, he was wearing a tee-shirt that read “Jesus Saves” and his nose was bright red.

Armed with a box of lotion infused tissue and a bottle of Jack Daniels, Cantor sat down to talk with me.

KJ: I realize this defeat came as quite a shock to you and your staff. What happened? Why did you lose?

EC: Kimberley, I honestly believe I didn’t talk about rape and lady parts enough. And God. I don’t usually talk about God. I’m Jewish and I should have talked about Jesus more. Jesus was a Jew. But really, I didn’t talk enough about rape. So many women are slutty and they ask for it – the way they walk around in public and everything. That is what cost me my job.

KJ: How do you feel about David Brat?

EC: I think he is an asshole but he talks about God a lot. Smart man. Smarter than I was because I thought everything was in the bag. I was at Starbucks when I should have been out there blaming women for their own sexual assaults. Live and learn. I also think Brat might be gay – but that is just a hunch. I am not saying he is but I noticed “glances.”

KJ: “Glances?”

EC: Yes. As you might imagine, our paths have crossed on more than one occasion and he would look at me funny. There was this one time when we were at a party and he was standing across the room. He was by a bedroom and he kept looking at me, winking and jerking his head in the direction of the room. I have to admit, I was a little bit tempted but I ignored him.

KJ: Do you see a future in politics?

EC: I don’t know. I think I might…will you excuse me?

(Cantor stepped out and more sobbing noises came from the back room.)

EC: I’m sorry about that. Back to your question. Um, I think I need to lay low for a while. I do believe I will jump back into government work but I need to brush up on my talking points. After you enjoy some time at the top, you tend to get lazy. I was lulled into a false sense of security and I didn’t push the 2^nd Amendment and I wasn’t blaming women for the demise of the country. And of course, God. I need to watch some Pat Robertson and Duck Dynasty and learn to appeal to the common man. The man who doesn’t have much of an education. Part of my problem was my intelligence. In order to appeal to conservative voters these days, one needs to speak their language, like Rush Limbaugh does. I am an educated man. I also didn’t condemn the blacks, gays and Hispanics as much as I should have. I must study up.

KJ: What direction do you think the country is headed?

EC: I think the Tea Party is where it’s at. Men need to continue their strong-hold in government and not allow these crazy bitches like Elizabeth Warren to have any power whatsoever. She’s dangerous. Warren and that old bat Hillary Clinton could completely ruin American patriarchy. That would be a crying shame.

KJ: What advice do you have for young Republicans who want to get into politics?

EC: TALK ABOUT RAPE AND GOD! Also take away choice and call women who get abortions baby-killing-whores. It cracks me UP when the femanizi’s go berserk and it’s just good policy. That is where I failed. Look, my balls got chopped off because I was overly confident. I didn’t hate minorities enough and I didn’t punch Hillary Clinton when I had the chance. We all have regrets and I can live with mine. I will try to learn from them.

But you’re going to have to excuse me now. A Duck Dynasty marathon is coming on and I need to brush up on my racist rhetoric if I ever want the GOTP (Grand Old Tea Party) to ever listen to me again.

With a single tear running down his unshaven cheek he said,

Rape and God…I’m tellin’ ya…not talking enough about’em cost me the best job I ever had!

Cantor got up, grabbed his tissues and JD and shuffled off to the dark halls. He never looked back. When his door shut, the sobbing resumed.

And if you believe this, I have some very inexpensive beachfront property in Nebraska I’d like to tell you about! 🙂

Kimberley A. Johnson (BIO) is the author of The Virgin Diaries and an activist for women’s rights. Like her on Facebook, Twitter or follow her on FB HERE.

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